Currently my life is moving at an accelerated speed and it’s hard to keep up. If you ask me what I’ve been doing for the past 5 months, my answer is nothing. On the outside, nothing. On the inside, learning about self compassion, being patient, accepting my mistakes, finding strength, accepting sadness and loss, losing labels, discarding an old self and finding a new one.
I feel like the finish line of the divorce is when mediation ends, when I don’t have any reason to talk to him any more. I think about my ex a little less each day. I can feel that one day he will be a stranger and while that makes me incredibly sad, it means I am moving on. My heart ache comes and goes now. I still want to call him and connect. I don’t think that will change. I want to tell him about something funny that happened or something that reminded me of him. Instead, I acknowledge them and it hurts that I can’t talk to him. And then I let those thoughts go, knowing they will come to visit me again.
The silver lining in this uncomfortable experience of divorce is that nothing else feels quite as unpleasant, which means I am trying new things that are embarrassing and that I am not good at. I am getting a little gutsier in daydreaming about the future. I am not restricted to where I have to live or what I kind of job I need to take. It’s terrifying and liberating.
I wanted to list out the beautiful little moments that occurred while I was collapsing from the news of my divorce, before they too, become smaller and fade into the horizon. I think these are the moments that become the roots of new growth.
1. Bike riding in Napa – Was a result of receiving a text from my ex that made me want to implode.
2. Ballet Class – Was mortifying to be the only one who followed the dress code and came in full ballet attire in what I thought was a basics class. I was wrong. It was advanced. And I was the only one in a leotard.
3. Kickboxing – I almost threw up from fatigue.
4. Watched Roller Derby – Empowering and a lot of fun.
5. Sleeping in a twin bed – Haven’t slept in one since college. I don’t feel lonely in bed. Because there is no room.
6. No furniture – Liberating and looking forward to shopping for it when it’s time.
7. Getting the best pep talk ever from my dad.
8. My relationship with mom could not be better.
9. Realizing how wise and loyal my sister is.
10. Realizing how resilient, supportive, and mature my younger brother is.
11. Realizing how cruel I am to myself.
12. Knowing how fiercely loyal and loving my friends are.
13. Becoming my own advocate and taking responsibility back for my own happiness.
14. Learning to be aware of self criticism.
15. Being kinder to myself.
16. Reading a lot.
17. Witnessing that time at sunset when the moon and sun sing a duet and both shine bright.
18. Endurance. This divorce is a marathon and I am still enduring.
19. Starting to be aware of taking deep breaths throughout the day when I feel upset.
20. Being okay that I may or may not ever have children.
21. I have nothing to lose now that I have lost it.
22. I am never the same person each day.
23. Drinking more tea than coffee.
24. Blowing bubbles with C.
25. Becoming aware of my self talk.
26. Embracing happy moments. They shine brighter when it’s dark.
27. Crying. Allowing myself to cry and mourn. Not trying to dismiss how I feel.
28. Becoming more decisive.
29. Being okay that I may not ever be in a relationship, or feeling like I have to be in one.
30. Being okay with not knowing what I am doing.
31. Opening up to pain has made friends open up to me about their own.
32. Managing depression.
33. Being introduced to the most delicious cheese.
34. Having moments and words hit my heart with such truth that it makes me cry.
35. Going to Austin.
36. Going to Napa.
37. Friends sending me a playlist of songs and letting me know how much they love me.
38. Realizing a wounded heart is an open heart.