Divorce is learning to unknow a life you were nourishing. It is the process of pulling apart an intricately sewn tapestry, tearing at the threads and disassembling a picture that two people spent time and love to create.
When he tells you he can’t see the picture, the dream anymore, you are left to tear your tapestry apart alone and figure out what to do with the pieces.
My life was torn apart more almost four weeks ago when I came home from a work trip and my husband sat me down to tell me our life together was over. He confessed he had been unhappy for a long time and told me that he was telling me he wanted a divorce with an absolution that I did not believe. I knew our marriage was in trouble but I always believed we were trying to make it better. He was the love of my life and he told me I was not his.
Two weeks of trying to convince someone who felt and then abandoned the marriage a long time ago that there was something worth trying to save became unbearable. I believed we would grow a family in and become old together in this home where I handpicked each item, the floor, the windows, and the fixtures. He told me he would like to keep this same home, for his new future without me. This home became haunted with memories I would never have.
Two weeks of my love being rejected, trying to hold a hand that would not hold mine, trying to connect to someone who considered me a stranger, and I could see he did not see me anymore.
I had bumped into him at a bar during the two weeks. He said he was going out with friends and I thought I would try going to a bar too. I panicked when I saw him, made a joke out of it by dancing up to him. He walked away and out of the bar with his friends. He found it unbearable to be in the same space together.
Two weeks of him rejecting my presence.
I found it difficult to breathe and booked a flight to Oakland, to my cousins and left that day.
He told me he felt unburdened and good that I was not there.
My presence was a weight on him that was lifted when I said I would concede to his divorce. He said didn’t want to try to save the marriage, he said he had nothing more he wanted to give to it, that I had created a void and such an unhappiness in his life, that there was nothing but negative feelings from the marriage, how could he possibly want to be with someone who made him feel so terrible.
And yet I still reside in this denial, with a false hope that creates a happy moment. Which then fades into pain and sorrow for a death of something. I suffer and I cry.
His pain ended many months ago and when he said he wanted a divorce, that was his cue to know he was ready to fly again, prepared and ready to find a new life.
The unevenness of our emotional states, his cool acceptance, his “I will always love you but I can’t be married to you” statements are cold and difficult to accept.