I drove up to my sister’s from Oakland and ordered several books on going through divorce. Divorce books are the worst. And so are many online divorce articles. They make you feel like a victim and they promise that after you go through all the stages of divorce, the emotional stages, you will be happier than you’ve ever felt and your life will be better than it ever was. I am supposed to be grateful that this happened at some point. Well I’m not. I am not grateful that this happened. I would rather be trying to work on a marriage. Married people don’t have books that say your life will be awesome after marriage. Only divorced people get books on how awesome life is after divorce.
As someone who is going through a divorce right now, I have no home. I have no job. I have just lost my husband, my love, my best friend. I have to accept that he wants a life with my replacement and I get to watch that happen. Yay me. I have just lost my grounding. I am not sure who I am anymore. I have lost family. I have lost friends.
But this is the best thing that could have happened. You’ll see.
Divorce is terrible. It can feel terrible forever. There is no comfort in divorce. You are alone. You have been torn from the center. The person whom you love and truly believed would be your teammate in life has just kicked you off your own team. Divorce is a lonely process and a turbulent emotional disruption that forces it’s way into every aspect and corner of your life.
Divorce is not a lesson. It is a tragedy. It is a thing that happens and divorce teaches you nothing.
I have no control over my emotions and I shouldn’t suppress them according to literature because that is unhealthy. Divorce is unhealthy. Many times I can’t breathe. I have a physical pain in my chest and I can’t eat. I cry a lot and everything reminds me of something. I am in denial at times and in utter pain. I feel broken and confused about life.
Divorce books emphasize, move on, let go. There is no letting go, it’s dealing with the mess that just got handed to you. You don’t let go, you take your hand that is grabbing onto your dying marriage and you try to turn it into a fist and you fight to look for strength to get up at a reasonable time and figure out why you should get up every morning. Let me tell you, not moving on feels much better than “letting go.” It feels comfortable to live in denial and believe everything is a dream and you’ll wake up and your husband will change his mind. Your divorce enters your sleep and when you wake up, you realize that it is your reality.
Divorce is a disaster and you have to be the one to pick up the pieces. Or you wait awhile until you are able to and start clearing out the debris. But there needs to be a reason for the clean up, for the relief effort, for the effort.