So, divorce books are tricky. It is not easy to find the right one. And if you have ever been to the divorce section in a bookstore, you will notice the book covers are a lot like wine labels and sometimes you just pick based on design. Many look like they were published when “Moonlighting” was big. If you have some great reads please let me know. If these books want me to honor my marriage and I have to write a letter that I am not allowed to give to my husband, do not share.
I honor this marriage still. That’s the problem. I still see the good, the potential, the love, and the effort to see the marriage work, but he doesn’t. Simple yet heart breaking, regretful, painful, and infuriating. I don’t hate my husband, I can’t be mad at him because I love him and I did good picking him. He is wonderful and I cry when I wish I could have seen him as a father because it would have been beautiful. His happiness matters to me, even if it doesn’t include me. And it hurts. A lot. And I do get angry because I don’t know what to do with that love now and how to live life again.
I have to take that love and effort and find a way to take the 13 years we had been together and all the hope and good and compress that into a little file that can still open and not be corrupted when I need it again. But until that day comes, according to my stack of spiritual books, I have to love myself, forget the past, don’t concentrate on the future, but be aware of the present. And just be.
I’m talking about mindfulness and meditation.
I picked up a stack of Buddhism books after I hit the divorce section hard. I made a stop at the spirituality section but I was not ready for the goddess in me books just yet. Books on Buddhism by far have been more beneficial than divorce books. Divorce books make you feel like there is something wrong with you. And yes, there is something wrong. You are going through a divorce.
I can’t get too absorbed into the Buddhism books however. I had to take a step back from them. I love some of the concepts but they make retraining your mind sound like a peaceful and quick process. Just breathe. Let go of thoughts. Be present. Your thoughts are dreams and not real. Your feelings will pass. Speak to your child self.
I began to feel rather insane practicing some of the teachings, like self talk. It has been beneficial though in the last week when I wake up every night from a dream about my husband. Sometimes he is with someone new. I cry and tell myself this may happen but it isn’t now. I tell myself that I can be strong and to let this thought pass.
I began to feel more insane not being able to trust my thoughts and feelings and pretty soon I began to feel like Buddhist teachers and the homeless lead very similar lives.
Then I took a step into reality. I was getting too into my head, which creates reality but can be a dangerous place that I cannot take refuge in. So I tried to remember the things I still want in life, very unBuddhist of me, and I thought how I would like to be part of a team where someone wants you as their team mate again. And it feels far and impossible now, but that is one thing I do know I want out of the hundreds of questions marks I am living with. Period.