The days are drifting by. It is difficult to be aware and present as my mind is consumed with generating and processing information, ideas, and feelings about this one thing. Divorce plagues the mind and in moments I am aware that I am stealing life from life to be selfish in my need to be sad, angry, and in pain. There is heat and pressure. My face is hot from tears. My body is hot from stress. My insides burn and I feel it in my chest and stomach. My back aches.
Everyday I have to live with this idea of loss and the accept that emotionally I will not feel balanced for a while or even ever. I am not sure whether I am processing through the emotions, rejecting them, or sitting in them. There will be triggers that will recollect pain and sadness. I have to recognize that he wants to move forward in his life with another person whom he will share those dreams I had for us. And then I cry and cry and it doesn’t soothe me. My face and eyes burn.
I suppose the aim is to not feel after a point, letting the hotness gradually cool. Except you have to feel everything to not feel and exhaust yourself into submission where you can no longer comsume the same thoughts day in and day out. There is an intensity that is unbearable. And then I see how he has moved on with such ease. I have to remind myself that this is something he has in effect planned and decided so his process of freeing is unlike my process of surrendering.
We have communicated while I have been gone and there is a calm acceptance in his voice. I can hear he still cares for me but without the burden of trying to keep the dying marriage lit. He is cold. Cool. He sees the ashes and knows there is nothing left to burn, nothing left to refuel. He made that aware to himself and only told me when the embers were left to cool.
He feels the coolness and I feel this race to be where he is. I am envious I feel only heat and pain.