Sometimes the universe, god, and yourself conspire to gift you a moment of clarity when you are at your most vulnerable and lost. You abandon your beliefs and how your life ought to be. You are confused and muddled and your thoughts consume you.
I read. I cry, I deny reality.
At the airport in Oakland I began to experience a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think. I felt fear and pain wash over and I my thoughts began to strangle breathe out of me.
I called a friend, asked him to talk and he spoke about moonpies and his bird.
And then I laughed. Then I thought about my divorce again and couldn’t breathe.
And then I stayed on the phone until I was on the plane and it was taxing out.
I needed to calm my mind and I began to meditate as the plane took off. I opened my eyes and we were floating through the sky.
And I looked out the window and could see the sky and the ocean and beyond it, where the two met. And I saw the universe and I could feel an enormous amount of pain and the beauty of having that capacity to feel both.
It was an overwhelming sense of gratitude and a found freedom to realize that life is pain and suffering and beautiful and short and life is now.
I looked down at the my town that I have called home and instead of fear, I saw beauty and appreciation and love. A gratitude that it has been this beautiful gift given to me. That I could thank it. I saw the city below thought how I could share this world with my husband, that I could get to a place where I could see his happiness in his new life and be happy for him.
The sky was striking and commanding. And I felt like I surrendered to this moment.
As we landed I still felt this freedom to appreciate life.
After we landed, still in the plane. The woman next to me asked if I could hold her baby for her. She didn’t hesitate and trusted me. I took her baby as she strapped on her baby carrier. And I held this tiny new baby and could see how he was trying to experience and figure out the world with intensity and I felt like I understood his curiosity.
I am sitting at the airport after landing, I am sure my luggage is going round and round and round the carousel and I see a man waving to a woman as she heads for her flight. He continues to wave as she continues to turn around. He watches her until she is no longer in sight. She turns around one last time and he waves.