I am flying back to LA today in several hours. The bay area has been my refuge and LA is a ghost town. Everything there reminds me of a story of us, reminds me of him. The hardest part of this process aside from the pain, fear, abandonment, and rejection, is learning to unlove and uncare. I think about him all the time. The worst is thinking about him with someone new, someone better, thinking about his life without me, how much happier he will be. And it kills me inside out.
I have to stop this habit of thinking about him. This is what I have known for 13 years and I have to work on undoing this. I am addicted to thinking about him so I have to find a solution or I will be angry and bitter and rob myself of my life.
I need forgiveness. To forgive myself. And him. Not sure which is going to be harder.
I regret my years with him, believing that we could work through anything. I regret marrying him. I regret meeting him. I regret loving him. My years were wasted because I nothing but divorce in my hands. I became dependent, confused, and lost.
I feel like I have been injured by the shrapnel of a bomb he planned and set off. And I am tired of asking why he did this.
Refocus. Come on, I can do this. I cried all day yesterday but I can do this today.
I am injured and I need to repair myself.
I forgive myself. I am not sorry that I believe in working on our marriage. He says something snapped inside of him and he is done. He quit on me and on us.
I don’t quit for us but I quit for me. I know I can not longer give him my energy no matter how difficult and how much I love him. I am thinning, my body is tired, my heart aches, my stomach sour. I need my energy back for me. I need every resource for me. And all I think about is him, as I disappear, why. Where is my strength and will. Yesterday I felt like death was pleasant.
I have to leave for the airport now. I texted him and ask that he not be home when I stop by to pick up more clothes. I am living day to day with people. I have asked my brother to be at the house because like last time, I will crumble when I walk into the house.