Christmas for 1

The Event: Friend’s Christmas Get Together

Summary: First holiday season solo. I was unmerry, quiet, sad, and my friend said to come regardless. At the end of the evening as I was leaving, I began to sob uncontrollably in my car. I felt abandoned and alone. I couldn’t feel the joy and warmth that surrounded me. I broke and called a friend who answered immediately, which was unusual. He was looking at his phone while pooping he said. This made me stop crying and I was laughing.

My friend has a unique way of speaking in abstract phrases that I have learned to translate only after multiple decades of friendship, but tonight he was sharp, concise, and direct. I also believe he was a little drunk. He told me to pull off the road.

He was stern. My friend, who lives with his own demons, assured me that there is a better life ahead and not to go back. He argued with me as I attempted to relive the past. What’s done is done he said and reminded me of the words our mutual friend said to me, “He doesn’t love you and if he did this wouldn’t be happening…he has every opportunity to reach out but he hasn’t…lose all hope in reconciling to move on…”

I wish I could remember each word he said and every event since that has revealed to me brief moments of hope, of blue sky. I hope that the summation of these short glimpses will form into a feeling and a thought that replaces the old, tiresome ways of a life I can feel absolutely confident to leave behind without looking back.




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