Sleeplessness

I slept all day to avoid being alive and now my thoughts are endless it’s nearly 6am. Each thought is filled with doubt and fear. I remember how much I loved him and how that love still lingers. I cry as I write this, pausing between words, feeling angry still for discarding me  and hurt.

I remember how after he told me wanted a divorce, he left the following weekend to Vegas to honor a promise he made to his friends to attend a bachelor party. He keeps his promises to his friends. I remember asking him if he could stay or how perhaps we might take a trip together instead. His reply was no.

I remember asking him to please reconcile and he repeated over and over that he did not want to. I cannot and will never understand why he did not want to try to work on the marriage. I believed with counseling and effort we could have made things great.

I remember feeling invisible around his friends. I would leave their weddings and parties alone because he preferred drinking and partying with them. I remember how seldom he would look at me.

I remember after he asked for the divorce, how he wouldn’t come home and would stay out with his friends, go to bars, and avoid coming home to avoid me. I remember how he told me that he stopped loving me a long time ago and how I was he source of his misery and I believe him.

I remember that I have to find reasons to get out of bed but right now they are hard to remember.

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