I had my first mediation yesterday and I kept it together. It has been 4 months since I last saw him. He asked how I was doing and then answered himself by saying that was a stupid question to ask. I never answered.
During mediation, there were a couple questions that made me choke up and one that made me cry, but for the most part, I did not speak to, much less look at him.
It was only when we both walked out of the building together and I finally looked at him that I began to cry. My heart broke. He stepped towards me and as he tried to put his hand on my arm to give me a hug, I spun around and walked to my car. I wanted nothing more than to hug him and not let go.
I cried terribly in the car. And then I texted him telling him how difficult this was for me. He said he knew it was hard for me and that time would help. I shouldn’t have texted him. I am looking for relief from somebody who broke my heart and is evicting me from our life.
His mom tried to call me. I can only imagine it was to yell. I didn’t pick up.
Then I cried in bed. This morning. This afternoon. This evening.
I cried because I miss sharing my day with him. I cried because I felt rejected and hurt. I cried because I don’t know what I am doing and how I got here. And I cried for something I lost. I cried and felt pain for something that is no longer the present. I saw someone yesterday who reminded me of someone I love so very much.
“When the marriage fell apart, I tried hard-very, very hard to go back to some sort of comfort, some kind of security, some kind of resting place. Fortunately for me, I could never pull it off. Instinctively, I knew that annihilation of my old, dependent, clinging self was the way to go.” Pema Chondron
Setbacks are okay. Failures are okay. Not knowing is okay. Today I fell apart, my nose is raw but I am okay. I saw him and got carried away with the past and lost all awareness of the present. I got lost today, forgot where I am, but I remember now, that I need to move forward, through the sadness, setbacks, and pain. I will shed this divorce just as a snake sheds her skin, leaving the sad dependent me behind.