I had my first mediation yesterday and I kept it together. It has been 4 months since I last saw him. He asked how I was doing and then answered himself by saying that was a stupid question to ask. I never answered.
During mediation, there were a couple questions that made me choke up and one that made me cry, but for the most part, I did not speak to, much less look at him.
It was only when we both walked out of the building together and I finally looked at him that I began to cry. My heart broke. He stepped towards me and as he tried to put his hand on my arm to give me a hug, I spun around and walked to my car. I wanted nothing more than to hug him and not let go.
I cried terribly in the car. And then I texted him telling him how difficult this was for me. He said he knew it was hard for me and that time would help. I shouldn’t have texted him. I am looking for relief from somebody who broke my heart and is evicting me from our life.
His mom tried to call me. I can only imagine it was to yell. I didn’t pick up.
Then I cried in bed. This morning. This afternoon. This evening.
I cried because I miss sharing my day with him. I cried because I felt rejected and hurt. I cried because I don’t know what I am doing and how I got here. And I cried for something I lost. I cried and felt pain for something that is no longer the present. I saw someone yesterday who reminded me of someone I love so very much.
“When the marriage fell apart, I tried hard-very, very hard to go back to some sort of comfort, some kind of security, some kind of resting place. Fortunately for me, I could never pull it off. Instinctively, I knew that annihilation of my old, dependent, clinging self was the way to go.” Pema Chondron
Setbacks are okay. Failures are okay. Not knowing is okay. Today I fell apart, my nose is raw but I am okay. I saw him and got carried away with the past and lost all awareness of the present. I got lost today, forgot where I am, but I remember now, that I need to move forward, through the sadness, setbacks, and pain. I will shed this divorce just as a snake sheds her skin, leaving the sad dependent me behind.
loveandfound 
Good for you for leaning into the emotions and moving through them. It will get easier. And then you’ll have a day that catches you off guard. That happened to me today, 14 months later. Anxiety. A bit of sadness. But I felt the emotions and moved through them. Or let them move through me. Either way, you/me/we, made it through to the other side. And next time we will too.
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Thanks! Yesterday was a weird one. I was crying on and off throughout the day, for the marriage but more because I felt apologetic for being such a bully to myself. I guess I am finally feeling some self compassion. It was an unusual sadness. Thank you for your insight and encouraging comments. I don’t know many divorcees so it’s assuring to hear someone who has been through it with acceptance and grace.
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