Last December, I returned to WordPress and visited posts I had written at the start of the end of my marriage. As I read, I could feel the pain resurface and I welled up with tears.
I am not the same person a year ago. I can look backwards and forwards with compassion and sympathy for who I had been and look forward who I might become. I no longer hide from the regret and fear. I can’t take back the past and I have bouts of sadness but overall, the divorce has shaped me into someone that neither leans too far back nor ahead. I feel balanced and more importantly, I can recenter my mind when it begins to lean towards any direction.
Who I was once upon a time was a scared, sheltered, entitled thing who had never learned how to feel and use intuition to navigate through a world full of traps and treasures.
That unveiling of false security and hiding behind a man was long overdue. The man I knew is gone and the one I know now, the one whom I am still engaged in a legal battle with, is someone who sometimes reminds me of someone I really loved. Currently we are fighting like the civil war, when each side took turns shooting, waiting for the other to load their bayonets. It won’t be too long before we discard all rules of war etiquette.
My favorite little dog in the whole world is no longer in my care and he is a casualty of life and the lesson that we lose and win, win and lose, over and over.
My world view now is scarred but there is more time to heal. I am not entirely sure who I am exactly, what I want from this life, or where I am headed, but there is a freedom in not knowing. Things will not always be okay and that is okay. Right now I am learning that now is a good time to lean back, let go, float, breathe, and keep my gaze upward and not forward.