I attended free yoga today. Prior to entering class, I was listening to Andrew Solomon’s beautiful Ted talk about depression. As he spoke about his darkest moments, I understood exactly what he meant and how he felt. It was something I lived with and never really questioned. Depression doesn’t know there is a different way to be. Sometimes something in life can trigger it’s presence but isn’t always the reason for the depression.
The truth is that I have been depressed for a while and last year was the breaking point, when I fell apart and the ex wanted to dissolve the marriage. I couldn’t see the misery he experienced standing by me because I was living in it. It was a clarifying realization and I texted the ex and said that I am learning that I have been depressed for some time and that I was sorry that I put him through what my depression put him through. With that, I am done being sorry. For all I know he could be out with a woman at this moment.
I walked into yoga and the basics proved to be difficult. I could not concentrate and keep balance. As my mind beat me up with negative thoughts, I continued to focus on breathing. The dischord began to quiet and eventually the thoughts were escorted to the back of my mind. An hour later, I was sitting with my hands together in Namaste, authentically grateful for that class.
I walked out and the truth that I am not enough started feeling like a lie. This belief only fades due to an accumulation of factors; time, reading, self inquiry, and therapy. However, I contribute their efficacy to medication, something I should have explored years ago. Today is the 27th day I have been taking antidepressants. It is my psychiatrist who believes that depression has been my normal for years. I was initially against the idea after reading criticisms about the over prescription of drugs and the potentially dangerous and permanent side effects that antidepressants can cause. However, when you find yourself calling your friend hysterical, not seeing any purpose or value to your life, you have a choice.
I still spend a great deal of energy grieving and crying, but I no longer question waking up and getting out of bed. I don’t spend each day obsessing over divorce and this has freed up energy to do things, like yoga. I am terrible at it but it doesn’t bother me when it would have. I have begun to draw a little bit again, something I forgot I enjoyed doing. Most importantly, I spent years telling myself how I should be and what I should do. Now I think less about the shoulds. I don’t hate myself. I am beginning to notice that everything is not pain and loss. I looked up at the sky tonight and the moon was a thin delicate line and it was lovely to look at.