Breathing in the process of letting go

I hold myself 100% accountable for the role I played in the issues that may or may not have been repairable in the marriage. I am not responsible for the divorce, I didn’t want to give up, and I am proud of that. He said this was best for us because I shouldn’t be with someone who no longer loves me. He was right.

I am experiencing the devastating process of letting go of hope and dreams. This person whom I have shared memories with all over this world and I have known since childhood is no longer in my life. I still see the remnants of us everywhere. It hurts my heart. I have moments of anger that melt into sorrow. I still love him deeply because I am this way. I have stopped fighting this love, who I am, and while I cry, I send off a prayer that we both find happiness and peace as we write our new stories.

Statistics say that half of all marriages end in divorce and friends often tell you that divorce happens all the time. Statistics also tell us there are 150,000 deaths a day but it doesn’t make grieving easier. Let’s not try to lessen the pain, let’s accept that it is shattering and give people the opportunity to navigate through the process.

I am grieving and that is my reality. People don’t tell you to stop being happy so why tell people to stop being sad. I judge myself for not recovering quicker. I criticize myself for hurting so much. When I do this, I have to ask what I would tell a friend who was experiencing this. I would say, you are loved. This is painful and it is what your life is right now and then it will pass. There is a great deal of sadness and happiness in life. You are doing fine just as you are and I am here to sit beside you and listen patiently and love you. And when you are ready, I will help you stand.

I have accepted that this is part of my story and the pain of this divorce is as significant and powerful as the love I felt the day I got married. There is no reason to believe this experience is less than any other moment in life. I don’t want to brush this aside as quickly as I can, as much as I would like, but I accept that this process is valuable and deserves respect, for reasons that may or may not unfold. I am seeing the good moments within this divorce. The bad is obvious. But the good…the good moments you have to catch it when it happens or they quickly fade. They include moments of laughter that feel amazing because you can’t really remember the last time you laughed. Or when a friend is willing to fly to you, even just for the day, to remind you that you are not alone. Even the people involved in the divorce, like the appraiser, turned out to be such a nice man. He could have been a jerk.

When I read literature about working through my grief 3 months ago, I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t know how and what benefit there was to it. I wanted to hide and hoped time would help me forget. Almost every day I hate feeling sad, I miss him, I am in denial, and it’s exhausting but I don’t think my process is about taking the time to ignore and dismiss my experience anymore. When I fight how I feel and what is, I can’t breathe and I have a hard time living. When I surrender, I begin to breathe again. I am learning to breathe it in so I may one day exhale and let it go.

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